


Hiraeth

by Verocity



Category: GOT7, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: M/M, Summer Camp
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-17
Updated: 2019-09-17
Packaged: 2020-10-12 10:16:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20562656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Verocity/pseuds/Verocity
Summary: Hiraeth- a deep, nostalgic homesickness; it refers to a longing to return to something or somewhere now gone (or perhaps never was), or else a grief felt when someone is lost, changing familiar circumstances beyond repair.





	Hiraeth

**Author's Note:**

  * For [baexil](https://archiveofourown.org/users/baexil/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Smiling at the Stars](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6299587) by [baexil](https://archiveofourown.org/users/baexil/pseuds/baexil). 

> For baexil, whose fic made me so soft and warm and yearn for something that never was

"I can see why you're excited to come back here, hyung." The anticipation in Youngjae's voice reminds Jinyoung of the very first time he came to camp.

Jinyoung drinks in the familiar sights. The humongous log cabin that serves as the main mess hall and administrative office. The giant pine tree that someone nailed the notice boards to, now showcasing welcome announcements and a map of the camp. The way sunlight here seems so much more crisp, as if the sun is giving them its blessing. The amphitheater lowered into the ground where the campers stage their farewell stages.

And most breathtaking of all, the lake in the background shimmering serenely in the afternoon sun.

"Beautiful, isn't it?" Mark chimes in, stepping out of his car. "I always forget how stunning this place is in the summer."

Jinyoung sighs like a lover. He can't name this feeling, how he regards the camp in his mind. It's not home. More like... a cherished memory he gets to relive over and over again.

"Let's head for the mess hall," Jinyoung proposes, propping an elbow on Youngjae's shoulder. "If you think just seeing it is pretty, wait ‘til you've settled in."

"I guess we should get started on that." Mark points at the door to the main cabin where a guy their age comes out leading a short line of kids. "Namjoon already has his hands full. I'm sure the directors have something for us to do."

Youngjae frowns, puzzled. "Workshops start right away?"

"No, but there's registration and the welcome dinner and a lot of small stuff that needs attending to." Mark leads the way. Jinyoung follows obediently, Youngjae trails behind him.

"You'll be fine," Jinyoung assures him. "I remember my first time here. Didn't expect to have as much fun as I did. And I wouldn't have recruited you if I thought you couldn't handle it."

Youngjae laughs in that unique, unabashed way of his. "Thanks, hyung. I'll do my best to make you proud."

"So this is the new vocal coach?" Seokjin peers at Youngjae from the top of his glasses, his elbows resting on his desk and fingers steepled before him. "I can tell you're a perfect fit already."

Yoongi nudges Seokjin's shoulder. "You're creeping the kid out, hyung." He hands Youngjae his counselor's ID and a small packet of papers. "Workshop schedules, emergency info, and a map of the place. Not like it's big enough to get lost in, just don't wander too far off the trail."

Youngjae slings his ID over his neck excitedly. "Thank you. Not much wildlife here to worry about?"

"Oh, Taehyung and Jimin are pretty well behaved," Seokjin answers smoothly. It earns him a snort from everyone.

"Uh. I'm pretty good with animals. They're... camp pets? Mascots?" Youngjae asks, unsure.

Jinyoung slings an arm around Youngjae's shoulders. "I guess you can say that. You'll know them when you see them."

Yoongi nods. "Always glad to have you back, Jinyoung. We don't get many volunteers for the lyricist workshop."

"Are you kidding? I wouldn't miss this for the world."

Yoongi's lips quirk at the corners as if he just smothered a smile. "Same. And the energy here really helps with making stuff. How's your writing going?"

It's an innocent question. It's also one Jinyoung detests hearing. A few small projects then and now doesn't mean he's written anything he's proud of in over a year, and Yoongi is the last person he will admit that to. "It's been great. Can't wait to sneak some peace and quiet here so I can work on some stories. You know how it is."

Seokjin nods. Everyone has side projects. "Jaebum arrived a couple of hours ago. I bet he's already roping off his studio. You know how protective he gets of that place."

Jinyoung cackles. That sounds like the old fart. "I'm sure he'd benefit from being reminded that other people need to use the piano too." To Youngjae, he adds, "Come on, let's drop off our bags at the staff lounge. Then I can tour you around."

"When he said ‘Jaebum'," Youngjae leads in as they exit the cabin. "Did he mean...?"

Jinyoung grins tightly. "Yeah. You'll finally meet the infamous Im Jaebum."

In contrast, Youngjae grins teasingly. "I'm looking forward to seeing if he's really as humorless as you made him out to be."

A lot can be said about Im Jaebum. Park Jinyoung said plenty of those things himself, though he still feels fiercely contentious against anyone who would say more.

One of said things is how Jaebum is a creature of comfort. And much like a cat, when he finds something he's comfortable with he claims it as his own without asking anyone - even himself - if he _should_.

One such case is the piano room.

When planning the music workshops, the camp directors came upon the logistical challenge of having only two pianos: the baby grand in the mess hall turned general function room, and the upright in a corner studio on the second floor of what constitutes their halls of learning. It was determined that major rehearsals can be done in the mess hall whereas the piano studio would be reserved for more intimate mentoring classes.

"Great, works for us," all of the counselors said agreeably.

The very next day, the directors reminded Jaebum of what they discussed just the night before. Jaebum then showed them the room reservation sheet where he booked the studio for every available time slot for his mentoring sessions.

The directors informed Jaebum that although his passion for composing is very much encouraged, mentoring classes by definition involve at least one student and one mentor.

Jaebum argued that technically he fits both roles as he learns something new from himself every day.

The directors acknowledged that that is indeed inspiring but campers need to learn from the other counselors, too, and that some of the expected mentoring in this camp is greatly facilitated by having a piano. Which meant Jaebum can't actually camp out in the room where the piano reserved for mentoring was in, so could he please vacate it right away because Minjun has a class to teach.

To this, Jaebum responded with the diplomatic equivalent of "Make me."

The directors happily obliged by, indeed, making him.

Nobody knows exactly what transpired. Witnesses claimed seeing Junho storm into the studio and lock the door behind him. What followed was a tense fifteen minutes during which Junho's voice could be heard thundering through the studio's sound-proofed walls, albeit with the words too muffled to be understood. Both then exited the room with Junho looking as stoic as he normally does whereas Jaebum looked sheepish. Specifically, like sheep that had just been spared by a particularly nasty wolf.

Even to this day Jaebum absolutely refuses to recount what happened, or even what words Junho saw fit to say.

Gossip abounded. Jinyoung was the forerunner. Jaebum's stark silence did not help his case in the slightest.

After that, Jaebum only camped in the studio outside of the day's expected workshop hours. And given that the first day of camp's schedules are for registration, settling in, and the welcome dinner, it's no wonder that Jaebum's milking the freedom for all that it's worth.

"You are so predictable," Jinyoung says as soon as he wrenches the door open.

Jaebum's fingers pause over the keys. He turns to glare at Jinyoung and starts in surprise that Jinyoung isn't alone. Without so much of a greeting, Jaebum asks him, "Is this one of your campers?"

Jinyoung and Youngjae glance at each other, sharing a look before bursting into laughter. Jinyoung wraps an arm around Youngjae's shoulders and leans on him as he laughs, feeling himself dangerously close to tipping over in pure mirth. "Oh, I missed you, hyung," Jinyoung finally says, wiping a tear from his eye.

"It's only been a week since class ended," Jaebum deadpans.

"Point still stands. And this-" Jinyoung nudges Youngjae with his hip, "-is one of our new counselors this summer."

Youngjae wiggles out of Jinyoung's arm to give Jaebum a proper bow. "I'm Choi Youngjae," he says with a wonderfully bright smile. "Nice to meet you." Jaebum doesn't look impressed but he nods politely in greeting.

Jinyoung joins Jaebum at the piano bench, leaning into his side warmly. "Just wait until you hear the kid sing." He glances at the notebook on the stand. Jaebum flips it closed with feigned casualness but he's too slow for Jinyoung's eyes. He's still working on that song. The same one from years ago. He finds bitter comfort in this discovery.

"Hyung," Youngjae chides, blushing softly.

Jaebum's eyebrows rise. He looks at Youngjae with slightly narrowed eyes. "Is that so."

"Of course. I taught him everything he knows," Jinyoung boasts with a small wink at Youngjae. He presses a few chords learned from dallying with the instrument in the distant past. Playing music isn't something he found himself aching for, not like Jaebum who gets noticeably antsy after extended periods away from a keyboard. Jinyoung's happier with literary side of things. The lyrical side.

"That can't be much, then," Jaebum quips. Jinyoung turns to him in affront. Jaebum grins like a devil as he pokes Jinyoung's side.

"It was… adequate," offers Youngjae.

Jinyoung throws his hands up. "I don't have to stand for this bullying," he huffs, getting to his feet amidst chants of _no, hyung, I didn't mean it like that_ and _aw, Jinyoungie, I was kidding_. Jaebum grabs Jinyoung's wrist to pull him back to his seat, and Youngjae crowds them on the piano bench on Jinyoung's other side.

And it's right then, with Jinyoung being sandwiched by two men who are giggling obnoxiously at him, when Jinyoung feels a spark.

"It's nice to see so many familiar faces with us tonight," Seokjin announces late into the welcome dinner. The directors have already said their remarks so now Seokjin, as head of the counselors, gets to say his. Most of the campers are done eating and pay Seokjin respectful attention despite sleepy eyes. "And to everyone who's joining us this year for the first time, welcome! You have a wonderful week ahead of you with all of the workshops and classes to pick from. Learning is highly encouraged but having fun is a given."

Jinyoung snorts. He sees Mark across the mess hall with Jimin and Taehyung, the pair responsible for most of last year's harmless shenanigans. Jinyoung hopes they don't find reinforcement for their pranking; Mark may seem quiet but he has an impish streak that can catch people off guard.

A few feet to their left, Jinyoung sees a face he hasn't seen before. That's his second reaction. His first is a very quiet _daaaaaamn_ when he notices the guy's biceps straining casually against the sleeves of his too small white shirt.

"Who's the guy with the pecs?" Jinyoung asks Jaebum with a pointed nod of his head.

"What?" Jaebum blinks away from Seokjin to follow Jinyoung's gaze. "Oh. That's Jungkook. New counselor this year. He's not teaching anything himself but he'll be assisting in a lot of workshops." Jaebum falls quiet for a moment. Then he narrows his eyes at Jinyoung. "Pervert."

Jinyoung gapes at him in affront. "How dare you."

"We know why you noticed him, hyung," Youngjae teases from Jinyoung's other side. "‘Guy with the pecs', huh?"

Jinyoung doesn't dignify him with an answer. He focuses back on the welcoming remarks.

"We also have a new voice coach this year," Seokjin is saying. "Everyone, please warmly welcome Choi Youngjae, who will be teaching the vocal technique sessions." The crowd turns to look at where Seokjin points and offers Youngjae some applause.

"Sample!" Taehyung cheers over the crowd. "Sample! Sample!" Jimin picks up on Taehyung's chanting, which spreads to Jackson, whose influence infects the crowd and soon everyone's saying the same thing.

"It's tradition," Jinyoung explains to Youngjae. He'd hoped no one would remember but now everyone's in for a treat.

Youngjae takes it in stride. He steps forward and smiles at the crowd with a hand raised. When everyone quiets down, Youngjae says, "Thank you for the welcome. In return, I'd like to sing for you one of my favorite songs to sing during weddings." Without any hesitation, Youngjae launches into the chorus of _Eres Tu_.

Jinyoung grins at the crowd's immediate reaction. Youngjae looks like a carefree, innocent child but that sunny demeanor hides a voice that has wowed crowds to silence during his and Jinyoung's choir concerts.

Beside Jinyoung, Jaebum's jaw drops.

The rest of the night breezes by.

Jinyoung greets former students and promises to catch up during the week. Jaebum grills Youngjae about where he learned to sing and Youngjae admits he's been studying voice ever since he was a kid. Jackson interrupts them to declare Youngjae as his newest baby brother, Namjoon reminds the workshop assistants that they have a meeting in a few minutes, Jackson remembers he should be helping Namjoon and promptly scuttles off.

Jinyoung leads the way to their cabin with Jaebum and Youngjae chatting a few steps behind him.

"So how do you and Jinyoung know each other?" Jaebum asks.

"We sing in the same choir," Youngjae answers proudly. "And hyung helps me with my essays so we hang out a lot. How about you?"

"Jinyoung and I... We go way back."

Jinyoung snorts at that answer. "Don't be evasive, hyung. Say it like it is."

"Fine. Jinyoung and I used to date," Jaebum admits testily. It's something Youngjae already knows given how much Jinyoung vents to him, but pretending otherwise is a fruitful icebreaker. "Broke up years ago though. We're pretty good friends now."

"I noticed." Youngjae's voice is pitched lower. "I'm sure I have a lot to learn from you, hyung."

"Well. Good thing I've got a lot to teach."

Jinyoung's glad he's a few steps ahead. He has yet to learn how to keep a neutral face whenever his past with Jaebum gets brought up.

The catch is, Jinyoung isn't a musician. He's never identified as one, never even wanted to _be_ one.

Sure, he can sing, and he had some cursory piano skills he can call upon from childhood lessons that weren't fed with passion. He'd imbibed contemporary music theory from months of dating Jaebum, whereas singing in the church choir with Youngjae taught him some of the finer aspects of vocal technique. And when he was stressed with classes or just needed to vent energy, drunk karaoke was always a fun way to spend the night.

But the passion? The hunger for inspiration? The longing for the melody of an elusive muse that plagues Jaebum night and day? Jinyoung doesn't feel that. Music is not something that Jinyoung feels in his core.

Instead, what Jinyoung feels coursing through his being is a desire for stories. That is what he can lose himself in for hours, whether reading others' or writing his own. Jinyoung wraps himself with the warmth of his words to find solace from the uncertainty of his future.

... Or he _would_ if Jaebum's creative block wasn't so damn _infectious_. 

"That's true, writing lyrics is a matter of style," Jinyoung leads in to deflect Minji's challenging tone. "Writing lyrics is as much of a skill as applying music theory. And there are plenty of ways to do it. I'm not here to teach you The One True Way To Write Lyrics because, frankly, there's no such thing."

The class nods. Minji looks appeased. "What I _am_ here for," Jinyoung continues confidently, "is to workshop with you on how to find your own style and then use that style to tell a story with your lyrics. Because as much as writing lyrics is a matter of style, knowing the techniques behind it can only work to your advantage even if just to subvert them."

The class nods, absorbing the message.

"Learn the rules like a student to break them like a master," Jungkook says from the back of the room, his voice tinged with no small wonder. He must not have meant to say that out loud; he blushes and lowers his head when the class turns to look at him.

Jinyoung is the only student counselor who's not majoring in music in any way. But the program directors must have seen him as a good fit for the lyrics workshops with his major in literature.

Who was he to say no? It was a good way to spend a few summer days, and the company isn't half bad either.

"You'd be a great teacher, hyung," Jungkook says after Yugyeom came to shepherd the kids to their next session. "I wish I had that much charisma in front of people."

Jinyoung grins. "Fancy being a teacher, Jungkook?"

"God no." Jungkook laughs as if he finds the entire idea silly. "Mentoring isn't for me, I don't have the patience. Or the charisma." He grins shyly at Jinyoung. "Or even the desire, honestly. Like. Dancing on stage in front of a thousand people? Sounds like a fun challenge. But stand on that same stage in front of the same people and lecture them about something? A frozen pumpkin would be more fit for the job."

Jinyoung snorts at the absurdity of Jungkook's imagination. "I think you're selling yourself short, but sure." He leads the way to back to the cabins. It's just after lunch, the sun is shining brightly and it's nowhere near bedtime. That also means there's likely no one in the staff cabin, which means there _will_ be some peace and quiet. "I'm surprised you're co-teaching the lyrics workshops," Jinyoung continues. "I figured you'd be at one of the dance classes."

"I believe in being well-rounded. Gotta be strong in mind to match these guns." Jungkook flexes his biceps for emphasis. Jinyoung finds himself... appreciative. Possibly for longer than was strictly necessary.

They pass by the classroom where Taehyung's conducting a small brass band. Jimin's at the back of the room taking notes, which isn't unexpected, while Mark's seated quietly at one corner, which _is_. Jinyoung didn't know Mark was into jazz.

"You big, strong man," Jinyoung teases. He unslings his knapsack and tosses it at Jungkook, who catches it in surprise. "Carry my bag for me, then." Not that it was heavy - just a couple of notebooks and more pens than Jinyoung could honestly need - and the cabin was only a short walk away. But if Jungkook wanted to show off, then why not?

Jungkook, to his credit, slings the bag casually over his shoulder. "Least I could do, professor," he teases back with a wink.

"Whatcha reading?" Mark asks, jumping into Jinyoung's bed. He notices the pen in Jinyoung's hand. "Or writing?"

Jinyoung sighs. Looks like Mark's in one of his moods. So much for a few hours of peace and quiet. "Just trying to work on some stories, hyung."

"Look at you, going retro with your process!" He reaches for Jinyoung's notebook but Jinyoung's ready for him. "I'm just intrigued!" he defends, wrestling with Jinyoung.

"I'll let you read it when I'm done!" Jinyoung counters.

Mark huffs and flops against Jinyoung's shoulder. "You haven't let me read any of your stuff for years now," he says, pouting.

"You're exaggerating."

"Am I?"

Mark isn't, and Jinyoung knows it. The last time he finished _anything_ was, in a fit of dark inspiration, after he and Jaebum fought for the last time. It was a short piece, more catharsis than a full work, about how horrible Haebum's ("You misspelled Jaebum's name here," Mark pointed out then to Jinyoung's stony silence) life was after he divorced his husband Jaeyong ("And you misspelled- ah shit."). That was a good two years ago.

"This shouldn't take long," Jinyoung mumbles into his pillow. Mark doesn't respond.

Jinyoung once described Mark's silence as deafening. He doesn't know if Mark understood what he meant, but either way Mark made sure to use it to his advantage. People talk around him just to have something to fill his silence.

Jinyoung gives in to it still. Despite the years of exposure. "It feels like swimming in quicksand," he says quietly. "I know my stories so clearly in my head. But when I write them down... I keep struggling and struggling to press onward just to end up in the same place. Maybe I'll be stuck here forever and there's no way to leave."

Mark adjusts his position so he could lay an arm across Jinyoung's back. "Is there anything I can do to help? Any rope I can toss at you to hold on to?"

"Be my human typewriter?"

Mark laughs in surprise. "I don't think that would be _helping_. But I can get you cookies from the mess hall?"

It's Jinyoung's turn to lean against Mark's shoulder. "Thank you, hyung," he whispers softly. Mark kisses his cheek before rolling out of bed and striding out the cabin.

What Jinyoung and Mark shared used to drive Jaebum up the wall, a reaction that Jinyoung knows isn't entirely irrational. He and Mark... they'd always been special to each other. Not in the way Jaebum was special to Jinyoung, but not that different from it either. Whatever it was, Jinyoung decided that Mark has too much love in his heart for Jinyoung to live up to, and that was why he agreed to date Jaebum in the first place.

It's not something he's proud of. It's not something he'd ever told anyone. It's not something he ever would.

"Hyung! I was looking for you!"

Jinyoung looks up from his crossed-out scribbles. "Youngjae? What's up?"

Youngjae grins, bright as the sun. "Do you have any more workshops to go to? A few of us are going to the lake for a few hours. Come join!"

Jinyoung hesitates. Rolls his pen in his hands. Wonders if there are more quiet hours in the future for him to give up the hours he has now.

"Hyung, your notebook will still be there when you get back," Youngjae teases. Valid point.

Maybe a different approach. "I'm waiting for Mark."

"Then I think you'll be waiting for a long time. I saw Jimin and Taehyung drag him off to go hiking." Youngjae strides over and tugs at Jinyoung's wrist. "Come _on_, hyung, we both know you're just gonna stew there because you can't think of what to write! So you might as well just enjoy the time instead!"

Jinyoung always forgets that brutal truths are all within Youngjae's niceness. He laughs, hollow even to his ears, but concedes and lets Youngjae pull him out of bed.

As an introvert, Jinyoung has a very specific list of people whose presence doesn't drain his limited supply of social energy. Mark, of course. And Youngjae, although that could just be Youngjae being himself. Jaebum is a mixed case: his presence doesn't tire Jinyoung like other people do, but the memories he brings back aren't always welcome.

Jinyoung's gotten better at predicting his moods, gotten better at standing his ground against invites to socialize when he knows he needs to recharge.

But still, much like trying to forecast the weather, there's always the potential for error.

"You know, we came down here to have fun," Yoongi teases as he sits, dripping wet, beside Jinyoung.

"I _am_ having fun," Jinyoung grouses. To emphasise his point, he plasters on a grin that would not look out of place at a wax museum.

"Uncanny," says Yoongi flatly, taking his shirt off and hanging it on a nearby branch.

Yoongi's presence in Jinyoung's list is up for debate. On one hand, Jinyoung recognizes the introvert in Yoongi, a kinship of sorts that doesn't get enough credit. But on the other, Yoongi is. So. Insanely. Talented. The man never seems to run out of creativity, from lyrics to tunes to... everything to do with music. Jinyoung could swear that Yoongi used to teach dance, too, back when they first met, but for some reason people don't like to talk about it.

As someone whose creative process just stopped working for no good reason, Jinyoung finds Yoongi's presence abrasive at the wrong times.

"You know, maybe some sunlight would do you good," Yoongi says, wringing water out of his hair.

"You're one to talk, hyung." Jinyoung pokes Yoongi's too pale waist. It earns him a yelp and soft shove back.

"I guess we're both cooped up too often in our rooms," Yoongi admits, inspecting the line where the sleeve of his shirt ended. There's already a tan line forming. The sun is brutal, yes, but Yoongi himself spends too much time indoors.

Jinyoung huffs and hunches lower. "You say that like it's a bad thing."

Yoongi laughs. "Absolutely not! That would be hypocritical of me. But look. I don't think you're having a great time. If you want to just go back to your cabin and do whatever, you're free to do that, okay? You don't have to stay here just to show everyone you can be social."

"I do want to have fun," Jinyoung admits, but he says it like a secret. "It's just. I know I can enjoy playing around in the water like you guys, and the sun is bright and wonderful and all this open air and we have a couple of hours of freedom while the kids are in their workshops... but I can't stop feeling that I should be spending this time to write." Jinyoung snorts. He didn't mean to unload on someone who can turn his creativity on like flicking a switch. "Nevermind. Forget I said anything."

Instead of walking off, Yoongi folds his legs, rests his chin on his palm and looks at Jinyoung like a puzzle.

Jinyoung looks away. To his credit, he doesn't blush from embarrassment.

They're both silent for a minute. Yoongi breaks it with, "I feel like your frustration isn't coming from feeling that you should be writing."

Jinyoung doesn't say anything. He stares resolutely ahead, at the distance where Youngjae latches cackling unto Jaebum's back and lets him flounder in the shallow water.

Yoongi nods softly. Knowingly. "Do you feel that if you were in your cabin, you would actually be writing?"

To this, Jinyoung bows his head. He knows Yoongi can guess the truth even if Jinyoung doesn't say a word. This is the problem with opening up to people, they can actually know you and it's the worst thing ever.

Yoongi lays a hand on Jinyoung's head. Jinyoung protests half-heartedly because it makes him feel like a kid despite the fondness in Yoongi's eyes. "You're not alone. Honestly I don't know what to say either without sounding like a shithead. But just. You're not alone. I don't know about the others but I go through those moments too."

"I find that hard to believe."

Yoongi raises his eyebrows in askance. "What?"

"You're Min Yoongi! You post tracks online all the time and each one is amazing and catchy and you never run out of music it's not even fair." Jinyoung sees Yoongi's cheeks tinge red, but only just. He lets him pretend it's because of the sun.

"I've gotten good at faking it."

"No way any of that was fake. No way something that good can be fake."

Yoongi raises his head, squinting at the bright sky. "That's what technique is for. And experience. Sometimes when you use both it's almost like you have inspiration." He pauses to look at the incredulity on Jinyoung's face. "I've read your stuff. You have good technique. And you're great with writing from experience. Look, I'm a musician, not a writer. Is there a difference in our creative processes? I'm sure there is, or maybe the difference is just because you're you and I'm me. But I want to make it big as a musician and that means I can't rely on something as unpredictable as inspiration. It's useful but it's not reliable. That's why I have to make up for it with being fucking good at the technical side of things and knowing what people like to hear. Just because I don't feel inspired doesn't mean I can't make good shit, you know?"

Jinyoung breathes Yoongi's wisdom in deeply. That was a truth he'd heard from some of his favorite authors: consistency and reliability are underappreciated keys to success. But if felt jarring to hear up close. From someone Jinyoung felt should still be on his level.

He finds himself watching Jaebum.

Finds himself watching Jaebum's smile shine brightly in the sun, eyes beaming at Youngjae who's splashing water messily at Jaebum's face. Jaebum doesn't even shield himself, just wades on hip-deep until he can capture Youngjae, cackling, and wrestle him down.

It leaves Jinyoung floundering. Like he's being left behind.

"I just... want to write one last thing that I feel is just mine," Jinyoung admits. He doesn't mean to say those words. He doesn't mean to whine. "I just want to write something people will feel is worth reading."

"You're never going to stop writing things that are just yours," Yoongi points out sagely. "And you're good enough that people will always feel that way. Do you know the only person who'll know the difference?"

"Me," Jinyoung answers, carving new words into his memory.

Youngjae must have felt him staring. The kid's cheer tones down. He raises his hand at Jaebum's antics calling for a truce and flounders slowly back to the edge of the water.

"Look for inspiration if you want," Yoongi continues. "Just don't attach your success to finding it, you know?" He gets up on his feet and stretches, ready to dive back in. "And while you're waiting for inspiration or whatever, you might as well have fun, yeah?" With that, he runs back to group and tackles an unsuspecting Namjoon into the water.

Jinyoung looks at the shirt Yoongi left to dry on the branch and wonders if it retained even a sliver of Yoongi's soul. Maybe brilliance is radioactive.

"Hyung!" Jinyoung hears Jungkook yell at him. The kid glistens wetly in the sunlight, his chest commanding Jinyoung's attention. "Come on, the water's great!" He yelps as Yoongi targets him next, leaping onto Jungkook's back and clinging like a koala.

Yoongi's right, because of course he is. Jinyoung takes his sandals off and runs into the fray.

"Jinyoung-ah."

Uh-oh. He knows that voice. That tone.

Jinyoung doesn't bother to turn his head. His mattress shifts as Jaebum climbs in. "Jinyoung-ah..."

"Hyung," Jinyoung greets stiffly. Uncertainly. He reminds himself that this isn't the same as the previous times Jaebum climbed into his bed. They're just friends now. Just friends.

"Listen to this." With the ease of familiarity, Jaebum puts his headphones over Jinyoung's ears.

Jinyoung doesn't know what to expect. Jaebum hasn't asked him to listen to his music in forever. But then, Jaebum hasn't climbed into Jinyoung's bed since-

This song...

"You finished it," Jinyoung says. "This- you finally finished it!"

"Shhh!" Jaebum jerks his head toward the other beds in the room, from which Jinyoung could see various lumps shifting beneath their blankets even in muted moonlight filtering in through the windows.

Jinyoung listens attentively. He recognizes some of the words. Jaebum had been working on this track for years, had repeatedly asked Jinyoung for input and lyrical revisions. It was the focal point of Jaebum's frustrations, Jinyoung knew, when he didn't know what to do with the half-composed mess he was left to work with when they broke up. And now...

Jinyoung takes the heaphones off when the song fades away. "When?"

"Just today," Jaebum says.

"_When?_" Jinyoung insists. Because they didn't have time to work on their own projects today, what with the excursion at the lake, the staff meeting afterward, and then it was dinnertime followed by end-of-day debriefing and- "You didn't eat dinner."

"Some things are more important-" Jaebum starts, which earns him a smack on the waist. "Hey!"

A "shhh!" comes urgently from Hoseok's bed.

"You promised you'll stop neglecting yourself," Jinyoung whispers.

"It's not neglect!" Jaebum insists, equally quietly. "It was just this one time, I swear. It's been so long since I last felt that rush, I couldn't let it go. And anyway, Youngjae snuck me a sandwich from the mess hall so it's not like I didn't eat anything."

Jinyoung peers closer at Jaebum and found what he was expecting. That subdued, fond set on his smile. The faint blush on his cheeks that's hardly visible in this light except for Jinyoung. "Youngjae, huh?"

Jaebum buries his face in Jinyoung's pillow. Jinyoung pokes his waist, Jaebum yelps, Hoseok shushes them once more, and Jaebum grabs Jinyoung's wrists so he won't tickle to press for more answers. "He's cute," Jaebum admits.

"I'm cute."

That earns him a groan. And a quiet moment of contemplation as if Jaebum is debating whether to say his next words.

"Don't say he's cuter," Jinyoung warns him.

Jaebum sighs deeply. "He is." He tightens his grip on Jinyoung's wrists in time to prevent retaliatory poking.

"How dare you!" Jinyoung teases, struggling and playing offended.

"He's really cute," Jaebum continues. He lets go of Jinyoung's hands and covers himself with Jinyoung's blanket. "I feel like I'm in high school again."

"Hyung, you're so adorable, I can't believe I'm seeing you like this again." And that's true; the last time Jinyoung saw Jaebum in the throes of attraction like this was during the early days of their relationship. Back when Jaebum sheepishly gifted Jinyoung with little snippets of music. Back when they could still draw inspiration from each other's presence.

The Jaebum he knew the past few months was brimming with barely-contained frustration: at himself for barely being able to finish anything. At himself _and_ Jinyoung for not being able to make things work when they had such a great start. At himself again for not being good enough, and at Jinyoung for repeatedly telling him otherwise instead of just agreeing that Jaebum's a hack.

But now... the Jaebum on his bed now is so much more like that Jaebum that Jinyoung looks up to. The Jaebum he once agreed to date. The Jaebum who proudly declared that Jinyoung is his muse.

Though it appears someone else has taken that role. "You know," Jinyoung leads in with a sultry rasp in his voice. "Youngjae is so very single."

"I know," says the Jaebum-shaped lump from beneath Jinyoung's blanket.

"And he's so very open to dating."

"Jinyoung, _you're not helping_."

Jinyoung leans in to where Jaebum's ear should be. "And I know he likes it when-"

But he doesn't get to finish, Jaebum erupts from the blanket and grapples Jinyoung into a squealing hug. It earns them a pillow thrown straight at the back of Jaebum's head - surprisingly not from Hoseok, but from Bambam across the room - and Jinyoung decides the teasing can continue in the morning.

And that's that, Jinyoung decides, when he sees Jaebum sit beside Youngjae in the mess hall for breakfast. He has that smile on his face. That smile that means he's given in to his muse.

It leaves Jinyoung conflicted: he's happy for Jaebum... but he also can't shake the thought that he's being consigned to the past.

He shakes the thought away. He has a class to teach and melancholy is unwelcome.

"The hyungs are planning a night out later," Jungkook tells him at the end of their next workshop. "Seokjin hyung smuggled campfire food from home and apparently he and Jackson put it in a cooler and hid it under a pile of rocks. I don't know why they didn't just put it under one of their beds but trying to figure out how their minds work is way above my payscale."

They only have a couple of days left. Jinyoung's not surprised that the rest of the guys want to make the most of being out in nature. "That sounds fun."

"It does," Jungkook agrees. "Like, it's not required attendance, obviously. If you just want to relax somewhere quiet, the cabin should be all yours."

Jinyoung tosses his backpack at Jungkook, who catches and shoulders it readily. "I have enough social energy to hang out tonight. And the sooner you stop talking to me, the more social energy I'll still have."

Jungkook mimes being shot through the heart, hand on his chest and walking backward slowly with an exaggerated grimace.

Jinyoung laughs and pulls him back by the collar. "Are you going tonight?"

"I want to. A night of junk food and soda and sleeping by a campfire doesn't sound so bad."

"That doesn't sound like a good diet for someone who works out as much as you do."

Jungkook, as always, takes every opportunity to flex his muscles. "You think I work out a lot, hyung?"

"Duh, I'm not blind." Jinyoung pinches Jungkook's chest. It earns him a soft ‘ow'. "I figured you're an all-meat-healthy-living-all-the-time kind of guy."

"I tried that." Jungkook shakes his head like he wants to get rid of the memory. "Worst months of my life. You want to hate yourself, hyung? Go on a fad diet, that'll take care of any self-love you have in record time. Me? I eat whatever I want and work out as hard as I can. Life's too short for dieting."

"Such wisdom from a little baby," Jinyoung coos.

"I'm a great catch," Jungkook agrees.

They're quiet for a moment, Jinyoung with a teasing smirk, Jungkook smiling somewhat bashfully. Not for the first time Jinyoung appreciates how easy Jungkook is to talk to. How there's no pressure between then, like Jinyoung doesn't feel the need to prove himself as an artist because Jungkook automatically accepts him as one.

They might not see each other again when camp ends. Jinyoung finds himself resenting that.

"I should go that way," Jungkook eventually says, pointing toward the administrative offices. "Need to submit my assessments. You, hyung?"

Jinyoung points at the path to the cabins. "I want to get some writing done. Fingers crossed it actually happens."

Jungkook nods. "I guess I'll see you later tonight, then?"

Jinyoung pats him on the cheek. "If you can take a break from your push ups, sure." He walks away with a thrill in his spine that he doesn't quite know what to do with.

"You going to the campfire, hyung?"

Jinyoung straightens up from folding his blanket, turns around to see Youngjae standing awkwardly behind him. "That's the plan, yeah. You?"

"Mind if I walk with you?"

In the years Jinyoung has known Youngjae from choir, there are only three instances he's seen him without a smile on his face. The first was when Youngjae took a bite of Jinyoung's sandwich before Jinyoung could warn him there were cucumber slices in it. The second was when the musical director decided that although Youngjae's dedication was admirable, the showcase is in three days and Youngjae's flu symptoms still haven't abated, so it's time to make the tough decision and reassign the solo piece. The third was when Jinyoung admitted he and Jaebum and broken up, and Youngjae immediately hugged him and took him out for ice cream.

Jinyoung takes one look at Youngjae's face and decides it's time to add a fourth instance to the list. Calmly, he continues folding this blanket, stuffs it into his bag and leads the way out the cabin. That's when he noticed that Youngjae's hands are free. "Aren't you bringing anything? Or are you experimenting with being one with nature?"

It earns him a smile, even if a distracted one. Youngjae has a lot on his mind. Jinyoung lets his bide his time, counts steps for seconds while letting Youngjae brace himself.

It doesn't take long. They don't have the privilege of time or privacy, but they can borrow both on their walk to the campsite. After a furtive look around them to make sure no one's hiding in the trees lining the path, Youngjae asks, "Hyung, what do you think about Jaebum hyung?"

Ah.

Jinyoung should have expected this.

"I mean," Youngjae follows up quickly. "I know you two used to date and honestly I think you're still kind of close but if you're not comfortable talking about-"

"He's a really good friend of mine," Jinyoung interrupts. "A gifted artist. Prouder than others with liking weird things, but that just means he doesn't waste time with people he doesn't like. A bit emotionally distant but he's working on it. Why do you ask?"

Jinyoung knows why but he needs Youngjae to be able to say it out loud. He and Jaebum made the mistake of assuming that they knew what each other meant behind the songs and stories, and ultimately that is what caused the resentment to build up, one straw at a time until the camel's back broke.

At the very least, maybe this is what he can do to help Jaebum find happiness again.

"I really like him, hyung," Youngjae says, speaking barely above a whisper. "I tried really hard not to."

Jinyoung stops in his tracks. He grabs Youngjae's hand and spins him around so he can look deeply into those worried eyes. "Do you feel happy when you're with him?"

Youngjae nods, scared.

"Then that's all I need to know. I'm happy that you're happy with him. And I know he's happy with you too."

Jinyoung braces himself in time for Youngjae's hug. Like everything he does, Youngjae throws all of himself into anything he sees worth doing, and sometimes that has to be taken literally. "Hyung. I'm so glad."

And as much as Jinyoung is reassured that Youngjae values him so deeply, he also feels guilty for not realizing that Youngjae was feeling awkward and unsure.

"You are my friend," he continues sincerely. "I support anything that will make you happy. You and Jaebum together will be wonderful."

He's already seen firsthand how they are. From this point onward, all Jinyoung can do for them is to wish them luck.

Youngjae makes a beeline for Jaebum as soon as they reach the campsite. Jinyoung finds Mark perched on a log concentrating on putting marshmallows on sticks. He pats a space on the log, more to announce his presence than to clean it of dirt, before sitting and sighing deeply.

"Already having the time of your life, huh?" Mark teases. He offers Jinyoung a marshmallow. "Have an advance treat. Compliments from the chef."

Jinyoung scarfs it down. Then he grabs another one from the pile beside Mark - swatting away Mark's attempts to defend his cache - and makes short work of that, too.

Mark grins softly. "Someone's having a really bad day." He transfers his pile of snacks to his other side, away from Jinyoung's easy reach. "Should I grab some beer?"

Jinyoung is surprise despite himself. "You actually have beer?"

"No," Mark admits. "But I have soda. And we have our ~i-ma-gi-na-tion~."

Jinyoung considers it. Not that there's anything to consider. "Just when I could really use a beer."

"Give me a minute, then." Mark jumps off his perch. And sensing what Jinyoung has in mind, he takes his pile of marshmallows with him, leaving Jinyoung with nothing to do but look around and try not to look upset.

Jackson and Namjoon are busy trying to light the campfire. Trying, because Namjoon looks like he's coaching Jackson on what to do, and Jackson has a rebellious streak against people who try to tell him what to do.

At the edge of the slowly growing group of people, Youngjae clears out sticks and pebbles from a small patch of ground for Jaebum to lay out their sleeping bags.

"So what's got you bothered?" Mark asks as soon as he gets back, a can of soda in each hand and offering one to Jinyoung. He resumes his place on his log and automatically shifts gear to listening mode.

Jinyoung launches into his story right away. Mark's gotten good at picking up context clues. "I'm happy for Jaebum, I really am. And he deserves all the good things coming his way now." At the edge of his vision he sees Mark looking around, and he must have found Jaebum and Youngjae because he gives a small ‘ah' of comprehension. "And before you say anything, this isn't about me still being attached to him."

Of course, Mark's silence seems to say.

"You know what, this is stupid, never mind."

"Feelings aren't stupid, Jinyoungah. Aren't you proud of your characters for always saying that?"

"Doesn't mean I don't _feel_ stupid, hyung." He sighs dramatically and takes a deep swig of his soda. It's not even cold, just sticky in his throat but it's better than nothing, even if only just. "This is mean of me to say, but." He pauses. Reminds himself that his relationship with Mark is beyond judgment. He quiets down to a mumble. "Not being able to write feels better when Jaebum isn't able to compose either."

Mark makes a sound like an aborted snort.

To their left he senses Jimin and Taehyung approaching, apprehension on their faces. Mark gives them a subtle shake of his head. Jimin nods and turns away, Taehyung waves shyly at Jinyoung and follows Jimin to pester Namjoon so Jackson can work in peace. About time, too; the sun has set and night is settling quickly.

"Jaebum finished his song," Jinyoung continues. "It's brilliant. It's beautiful. It's like all this time he was just letting the music mature in his head, and now. There it is. And I hate it."

Mark pats him on the back. No you don't, Mark doesn't say.

"Maybe not," Jinyoung concedes. "But I hate that I'm still stuck when he's not anymore. I hate that I can't seem to get anywhere."

"Too much pressure on yourself, Jinyoungie." He strokes lightly down Jinyoung's spine, which tingles Jinyoung's body throughout and makes him relax despite his self-determination to angst. Only Mark is privy to this weakness. It led to some snide remarks from Jaebum back in the day, and Jinyoung is honest enough to himself to admit that it's warranted. "I don't know how to help you with feeling stuck. But if you want company tonight, I'm all open."

Jinyoung laughs bitterly at himself. It's a perfectly nice evening out here in nature and he's dumping his negative energy on an agony aunt who didn't ask for it. "Nah. I'll be fine, hyung. Don't worry about me, you deserve a nice night out."

"So do you," Mark points out, which Jinyoung tells himself to accept. He does deserve a nice time. Even if his cross self isn't inclined to agree.

"I just need to clear my head. I'm gonna take a walk or something." He gets on his feet. "Mind if I leave my blanket here?"

"I'm sure no one will take it. Holler if you need me, okay? Loudly." Mark reaches for Jinyoung's hand and grips softly. Reassuringly. Jinyoung accepts the warmth and squeezes back.

Even at night, the woods around the campsite is welcoming. The full moon is bright enough to navigate by on a cloudless night, the trails well-maintained and easy to stick to. There are markers everywhere showing where to go. Even someone who's completely new to exploring it would have to make an effort to get truly lost.

Jinyoung only wants peace and quiet. That means getting lost only metaphorically.

There's a nice boulder sticking out of the ground a few feet off the trail. As Jinyoung approaches, he sees a familiar figure already sitting on it. Even in the moonlight he'd recognize that muscled back anywhere.

"Jungkookie."

"Hyung," Jungkook greets back without turning to look. "Not feeling so sociable after all?"

Jinyoung finds a slope on the rock that his shoes can grip. "You knew it was me?"

"No. I just heard someone coming over. I'm not selfish, anyone can sit with me." Jungkook grins at him when he sits. "Can't say I'm not especially glad it's you, though."

"Charmer. Are _you_ feeling introverted?"

"Just a tad. I figured I'd let people work through their energy before joining."

And as if on cue, they hear a shriek that could only be Jackson's tear through the night. "Probably a bug landed on him," Jinyoung guesses.

Jungkook agrees. "You'd think Jackson hyung won't be so gung ho about spending the night outdoors, huh? Given his relationship with bugs and all."

He has a point. Jinyoung remembers last year's camp when Jackson ended up with a mild sprained ankle. They were setting up a small canopy between trees when Jackson, having climbed up to a low branch, felt something land the back of his neck, promptly shrieked and jumped off. His poor landing led to using crutches the next few days and being the level of needy that only an injured Jackson can reach. It was even more embarrassing when they learned that what landed on him was just a dried leaf.

Jinyoung remembers Jackson's face whenever he saw Namjoon and insisted that his foot wasn't that bad, he can still go on walks with everyone. And Jinyoung remembers Namjoon's face whenever he called Jackson's bluff only to back down and stay indoors to keep Jackson's company.

Sometimes people do stupid things for the people they like.

Like agreeing to staff for a music camp when you don't actually know much about music.

"We're not the only ones sneaking about anyway," Jungkook continues. He points further down the trail. "Pretty sure I heard Taehyung going that way. So that's him and Jimin with their own plans."

"And Mark."

"Hmm?"

Jinyoung tilts his head up, meeting the moon's face with his own. "Let's just say I have a hunch."

"Intriguing." Jungkook pokes at Jinyoung's bag. "What you got there?"

"A notebook. Some pens. A strong desire to kick myself back into shape."

"I really hope that's not literal, hyung, because I'm pretty flexible but even I can't kick my own ass."

Which is an amusing image, not least because Jungkook has a very developed- "Have you ever felt like you're just not good enough to do the things you want to do for the rest of your life? That you ran out of ideas too early to make your mark?"

This earns him a blank stare.

"I'm sorry, that was too heavy for a chill night out-"

"Sometimes," Jungkook interrupts him. "I try not to think about it too much. The last thing you want to happen when you're trying to choreograph is to get hit with creative block. Okay, not literally the _last_ thing, but figuratively. Which. I guess you picked up on since you're a hotshot lit major."

"I appreciate the clarification anyway." Jinyoung leans back against his hands and accidentally lays his fingers over Jungkook's. He doesn't move away, and with a thrill of possibilities he notes that Jungkook didn't move either.

"You should watch me dance sometime, hyung."

Jinyoung understands that tone. He really hopes he's not wrong. "What, are you going to choreograph something for me?" he teases.

"If you want." Without looking, Jungkook raises one finger to trap one of Jinyoung's between his. "I may not, though. But whatever dance you watch I'll be sure to perform it extra well."

"You don't dance like nobody's watching?"

"I do. But only when nobody's watching." Jungkook smiles proudly at his wit. "It's a completely different mindset, dancing for myself versus dancing for other people."

"Writing stories is the same way." Jinyoung speaks like he's known it all his life when the truth is he's only accepting it now. "Writing stories for myself is hard because I already know the whole thing. But writing stories for other people... or maybe just another person. Writing stories for someone who's worth the struggle."

Jungkook rests his head casually on Jinyoung's shoulder. "It would be hypocritical to ask you to write something for me, huh?"

"If you want. I may not, though," Jinyoung echoes, chiding. It earns him a laugh that Jinyoung feels more than hears. "If I do, I'll be sure to do it extra well."

"I'd like that a lot, hyung."

It takes one small thing: Jinyoung moves his hand to cover Jungkook's, leaves no trace of ambiguity about this moment they're sharing. But it's enough. One small act at a time. Just like writing a story one word after another for someone he wants to be proud of him.

For the first time in a long while, Jinyoung finds himself excited about the many stories he can share.


End file.
